


Rewrite the Stars

by couldyou_loveme



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Boys' Love, Friendship/Love, Haikyuu!! AU Week, Haikyuu!! Rare Pair Exchange, Hinata Shouyou is Sunshine, M/M, Protective Kageyama Tobio, TsukiHina Week, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi Friendship, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Volleyball Dorks in Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:27:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26697475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/couldyou_loveme/pseuds/couldyou_loveme
Summary: Hinata Shoyo confessed for somebody he less expected to do the heart-to-heart talk. The night during the New Year's eve, asking if he's at fault for being himself as he receives the words of pain, sparked of what he has today. Tsukishima Kei, on the other hand, didn't mean to say the words of aching trust issue he has. Somehow, his irrelevant and judgmental logical thinking made him go at the worst side of the event.As time ticks and grow nearer to the New Year's Eve, Shoyo's eyes beamed with crystalized pain. He never expected to get hit by reality, that not everyone could accept who he actually is. And this pain, created its own kid. Hinata suffers to a rare sickness that only people who confessed and got rejected by the same gender could get.Hinata is dying in secrecy. Only the two of them could make it right. But how, if one thinks it could be straighten by confessing, while the other thinks it should ba an apology?
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 7
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first TsukiHina fanfiction. Rewrite the Stars is an AU fanfic. written by an amateur, please bear with plot holes and freaking hideous timeline; bear with my grammar too and some error– English is only my second language.
> 
> Many things inside this fanfiction are from my imagination and curiosity, such as the disease, the definition of it and some deaths. I don't own any of the Haikyu!! characters except the first years (this occurs after the 3rd years had graduated).
> 
> Thank you! I also draw stuff, you can message me on Twitter @generartion.

“𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸, 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝘚𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦, 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦  
𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘯𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘶𝘴, 𝘯𝘦𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘬𝘺, 𝘯𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦  
𝘨𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳. 𝘛𝘰 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘺 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦  
𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴, 𝘏𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘢 𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳  
𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧.  
𝘛𝘴𝘶𝘬𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘢, 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘰𝘭.”

•

“𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯 𝘪𝘧 𝘸𝘦 𝘨𝘰 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘥𝘨𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘥𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘴? 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯 𝘪𝘧 𝘸𝘦 𝘢𝘴𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘢 𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘰𝘳, 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘴? 𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘥. 𝘞𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵, 𝘐 𝘵𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧.

𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘢𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘵, 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘴, 𝘐 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘵𝘦..”

•

[1]“Shoyo!” The low toned voice screeched, as rampage of footsteps started scrawling through the hallway towards the gym. Hinata, knowing whose voice is that, fastened his pace in able to get in the gym first.

“Moron! You're not gonna win even today!” Kageyama, Hinata’s younger peer and partner with his quick attack, shouted as he does his best running past Hinata. Hinata already exerted half of his stamina by only running through his first and only destination, today.

When he was about to step his foot on the wooden, varnished floor of the gym, Kageyama leapt and was almost at the center. He stood there, panting and sweats are dribbling down to his cheeks and chin, from his forehead, scalp and to the tip of his hair.

“45 win, 39 loses!” Kageyama exclaimed, while Hinata leaned his palms on his thighs, still panting. “I told you, Tangerine. You're not gonna win against me anymore–”

When Hinata was about to respond with a wrinkled face and the aura that he emits are getting stronger and heavier, a shadow crawled over his figure, making him flinch and move a few feet backwards.

“My, my, another horseplay, doesn't it?” Tsukishima, the guy who stands 190 centimeters tall, sarcastically utters with his arms folded with each other.

Kageyama flicked his tongue, wearing the dark expression he usually has on his face whenever he happens to face either Oikawa or Tsukishima. Their presence alone could push his anger into the edge and convert it into stamina and techniques.

“Yeah, a horseplay that could benefit the two of us.” He chuckles, folding his hands, too. “How about you? You liked playing what? Not even volleyball could make you happy, doesn't it?”

Kei wasn't moved, although his ears tingled with the question, ‘you liked playing what?’. His eyes pointed to the smallest figure in between them, whose eyes are spacing out. In a blink of an eye, he could hear the raindrops hitting the window of his room and a sigh from the another boy beside him.

His eyes fixed on the guy's face, whose saliva's drooling over the cover of the module. Tsukishima pulled his back away, when he found himself trying to poke the cheeks of the boy in front of him with the eraser of his pencil. Instead, he remains watching him drool and snore his lungs out.

He was never thrilled and interested to watch someone sleeps as if making an ASMR video, but Hinata made him think that it was also favorable to watch someone take a rest from the harsh world, to watch the sun takes a rest too, a sunset in the rain.

He scooped himself back to reality when he heard Kageyama's breaking voice. What does he likes to play?

‘I like playing. . .’

“Pfft,” Kageyama holds his stomach, “was that a win for me and lose for you? This is a pretty rare phenomena. Anyways, let's go, Hinata. I'll toss for you.”

Tsukishima sees how Hinata glanced at the two of them, before nodding to Kageyama's command. But before it could even slipped Tsukishima's eyes, he saw Hinata's frown. It's as if first time seeing the eclipse after a decade or two, a rare phenomena like what Kageyama told him about his silence. Somehow he felt regrets kicking his stomach, trying to barge in to his system.

Yamaguchi fiddles with his fingers before heaving a sigh, gathering courage to tap his friend's shoulder. Yamaguchi's voice was thick and full of anxiety, as if a lump, or pile of stone was stuck on his throat.

He says, “It's okay.”

Not even his best friend's voice woke Tsukishima from his reminiscing. He remained watching Shoyo jumping around Kageyama as he tosses the ball for him, spiking and learning how to dive and save a point. The shadow hides underneath Hinata, but soon, it was replaced by the shadow on his left, since the sun started rising and the night lights are turned off.

Tsukishima heaved a sigh, before nodding to himself, and raising his hand enough to touch his shoulder, before patting his own.

‘It's okay.’

[2]Coach Ukai was talking with Kageyama and Hinata about their new attack, the new weapon and form o defense. Earlier, they had talked about the tempos and another attacks that they adapted from other groups which they had a real and practice matches with– such as Fukurodani, Nekoma, Aoba Johsai, and Date Tech.

However, no matter how much Tsukishima tries to distract himself, his eyes always end up fixed in Hinata. Especially at the golden hours, when the sunlight slips through the windows of the gym and makes Hinata stands out since it reflects on his hair. It's as if he's a king, or prince, or a majesty, the sun which proudly wears his own crown in and out of the court.

Hinata emits an overwhelming aura, he creates a heavy, yet light atmosphere– to elaborate it, he can befriend anyone from their opposing teams, and at the same time, be a monster against them on court. He's a sneaky monster who shape shifts and deform, to create another persona and outlook, and deceive the people in front of him. Yet it's not a red flag, since he knew, Tsukishima knew, that Hinata's being real about being friendly.

He feels it, so he's sure. Whatever the sun was up to, it was followed and felt also by the moon. The sun's light reflects on the moon, that's why Hinata has such impact to Tsukishima. They used to joke about it, Hinata being the sun, Tsukishima being moon and Kageyama being the void of darkness, yet not he already understands.

He had understood it that day, when the sun decided to stop giving light to the moon, when the sun decided to shine all alone with the void around it. Although lonely, the moon couldn't do anything about it, but to watch the sun remained and evolve, as the darkness embraces it.

“Tsukishima, what do we have here to wear such grim expression?” The loud voice of Nishinoya rung his head. Most of the days, Tsukishima stays secluded from the other members of the team, he's labeled as an introvert not for nothing, but he couldn't maintain the seclusion with his third years upperclassmen around him.

“It's creepy, as if you're ready to use your inexistent claws and rip somebody's head, where in reality, you're actually staring to none.” Added by his semi bald senior, Tanaka, who has his sweat shirts over his shoulder.

He hummed, not knowing which simple words to use, in able to elaborate the business he's up to, to his upperclassmen. Despite of his uninterested response, the loud and speaker-like duo remained standing like train nails in front of Tsukishima who's sitting on the floor with his knees on his chest. What should he say? Does he needs to expose himself, or cover-up and tell them that he's tired?

He's actually tired, practicing for three days every morning and every after classes, going home to deal with his family, his homeworks. Suddenly, after their last encounter, he lost his will to live his life like he's in a Jurassic World movie. His books remained untouched, his music is on loop– all talking about how soulmates are actually mates who were most likely to stay with each other, but not forever and could replace one another any time they would want– his journal being a mess, filled with scribbled lines, words and unspoken words, which were left somewhere in yesterday.

He's tired of just looking to the sun, when they're only feet away.

“Tsu. . . Tsukishima?” Once again, Nishinoya's voice rung his head, but this time it was lower and softer. Tanaka's shoulders dropped on the floor, before squatting to meet the unstable face and spacing eyes of his junior.

“Bruh, you dead? You've been spacing out a lot since earlier,” Tanaka snorted a laugh, standing up and patting Nishinoya's head, causing the droplets of sweats from his spiky hair to dribble down to his cheeks, eyelashes and chin. These droplets of sweats on Nishinoya's eyelashes made his vision a bit blurry, but he didn't expect what to see with these sweats blocking his sight.

He saw Tsukishima frowned and heaves a silent sigh, which was quite unusual since this junior of them barely shows emotions. Unlike Kageyama and Kiyoko who are both full of emotions, yet can't show their emotions due to being guarded and shy about it, Tsukishima has hundred of barriers inside him before you could even reach his locked emotions. And not even a single win against Aoba Johsai could show it.

They were silenced when the 190 cm Tsukishima towered over them. “It's nothing, Tanaka-san, Nishinoya-san. I'm thinking about some tangled things I'd been up to these days. Irrelevant things.”

They eyed him who takes his way towards the bleachers beside Coach Ukai and Yachi. But these two have keen eyes, like birds, that even their ears could sense that something's wrong. By the time they've seen it, they knew that Tsukishima's slowly losing one of his barriers around his true self, when his shoulders dropped beside him.

Nishinoya and Tanaka glanced on each other, with shrugging shoulders and pursed lips which turned into sly grins and raising eyebrows. Their silent and guarded ‘kouhai’ is finally showing who he was and what he's aiming for. Yet on Tsukishima's place, him who's oblivious of his own appearance and actions, this could only make things worse.

The sun was happy now, the sun was already doing its best to shine on it's own. Since in the first place, the moon wasn't needed by the sun, it's the moon who needs the sun. The bright, luminous heavenly object needs only the darkness in able to blaze even more. As if he was hit by reality once more, shivers run down through his shoulders, back and fingers– which tingled and itches at the same time, wanting the presence of somebody else's intertwined with it.

He's supposed to be moving on. He was supposed to be taking the leap to the other path meant for him, after meeting the dead end of theirs. However, Tsukishima felt like it wasn't right, nothing's going well and both of them would only end up dying when none of them takes the first move to have a closure.

Another sigh left Kei's lips as he sat beside Yachi, whose hands are gripping on the pen and record book for the scores. They're currently having a match between two pairs of players, the newcomers are separated and became partners of Ennoshita and Kageyama. Tsukishima watched the matches, until his name was called.

Almost everyone was done playing, there are only five people left to play– Hinata, Nishinoya, two first years and him, Tsukishima. His fingertips started sweating along his palms, even though he doesn't want to admit it, he's feeling nervous for the name that would be called to become his partner. He smudged his sweat on his shorts, feeling his heart beating faster and each beat of it rings his ears, as if the heart itself was just on his throat.

“Whoever wins this last match should play once more, so Miyaki could play. Right! So, the pairing would be Nishinoya–” There it is, Tsukishima's heart ready to be puked out. ”–Kiyoshi for the white side, and Hinata and Tsukishima for the black one. Go, boys!”

A glimpse of light flickered on Kei's eyes when he heard their name together, however half of him was nervous. It's unlikely of him to feel unguarded and anxious. He used to call Hinata with mean words, to compliment him using the opposite words of the compliment, to show Hinata his rough side hence he'll completely shut him off his life, but that's not what he really wants to do. He shows all of these when they're around Kageyama, or other players, except Yamaguchi. Tsukishima would kill to be by the sun's side, but the sun looks like it was ready to explode and die when they're together.

That's his worries, their ‘personal’ problems being a wall between the two of them, that might actually give them less communication during the practice match and more hindrances, until these problems started connecting with each other in the other players's perspective and eventually tell them what's happening between the tangerine and the lemon. Or maybe, he's just overthinking.

He glanced on Hinata and saw the grin he usually has when they're points ahead of their opponents, or when he's having a fun time around and inside the court. Maybe he's just overthinking, because Hinata doesn't seems like he's affected by it at all.

That all alone made Kei's stomach twists, the acid rose up to his nostrils and he felt like anytime he won't be able to breathe properly– the thought of Hinata not caring about ‘it’ makes him feel low, lamenting and homesick. He's homesick, even though he has no home other than their house.

Hinata was his home once, or maybe, his first and last stop.

The match ended, Nishinoya and Kiyoshi won against Hinata and Tsukishima, however Hinata has to remain playing with Miyaki. This made Tsukishima felt cold once again; when he left Hinata's side, he's feeling like the freezing chicken on the refrigerator. Despite of the emotions he currently wasn't able to disentangle, he sighed it off and run through the bleachers beside Yamaguchi.

Yamaguchi, with risen hands, cheered him and offered him a high five. “You did well, Tsuki!”

He nodded, nothing more. When he sat down, they watch the last match, some of them cheered for the two pairs who had a rally for one and a half minutes. Hinata, a second year who had only been into saving the ball, did a high kick to save the ball when it's about to go ahead of his body. The second time he saved the ball, he dived and used his forehead, by moving his head as if he's headbanging.

They actually had two rallies, however it was fun. The bright gym filled with night lights came back. The steaming inside smells like sweats and panting are heard all around the place. Amused of what he had seen, Coach Ukai clapped his hand with the whiteboard.

“Hinata, you're a good pair with Miyaki!” Coach Ukai exclaimed. “The rallies are thrilling and amusing. I never thought that you would take what you've said seriously.”

Hinata grinned and jumped like a starfish, hands and legs are spreading widely in the air. The members are looking on Coach Ukai and Hinata with question marks above their head, especially Kageyama who had enough of hearing about Hinata and being ‘paired’ with the almost 2 meters first year, Miyaki.

“Coach, what did he said? Was it something about me being a mental MVP?” Tanaka wiggled his eyebrows, receiving a chuckle from Ukai. Coach Ukai folds his arms and smiles to everyone.

“Well, after we went to Nationals, Hinata said that he'd take receiving, floating spiking and saving seriously. Whenever it goes back to my mind, I always end up overlooking it as a joke. Yet with what Hinata have shown today, I think he's eager to take the dart directly on the number 10 point on the board.” He slowly elaborates, with Hinata beaming as he listened. “Miyaki would be a monster in court, too. After seeing you set for Hinata, I know you'll have a long way to go, so keep practicing with techniques and posture of body and hands. You see, Kageyama started as a crazy and unexpressive monster, however he also made mistake and had some fault. I'm sure you'll be a monster once you found out how to sharpen your ability.”

Miyaki was cheered at by his other teammates, meanwhile Kageyama was teased for having someone to replace him. But in reality, there's really no one to replace his place. Kageyama is Kageyama, a prodigy who crawls all over his opponent's body like the shadow at night.

“One more thing, Tsukishima was getting even taller. His blocking enhanced too. But please, let's know how to communicate, okay?” Ukai gave Tsukishima a reassuring smile. “Communication is a great foundation of teamwork and trust in a group, it creates a family and stronger bond. I hope that before any of you graduates this year, I'm referring to the third years and soon, the second years, we would be able to show each other our real self, our goals, help each other to stand up and fly.”

“And don't forget to look up to reach your dream, look down to see how far have you flee and get motivated, and look by your side to know who you're with. Volleyball is one of the games that needs the players to create stronger embrace with each other; if we're in a soccer field, a volleyball team would be the net that saves the ball and the goal. We act, move, think and fly as one.  
We're one.”

[3]Walking home, Tsukishima remained silent, despite of Yamaguchi complimenting how he had improved over a year after their seniors graduated. None of his best friend's words piqued his interest, rather his head was heading to his stop, to the ball of light and luminosity.

He couldn't stop thinking of how much he had changed in few months. Was there a sun who dies without dying? He shouldn't be affected by it, he shouldn't be feeling like he was the one who was left behind, before he ran away to leap to his real intentions. He shouldn't be feeling like he did a big decision, that only affects him alone.

With the leapt that he took, he stumbled down the hill when he thought he was about to end up on the other road. Turned out they're somewhere near the peak of the hill, when he risked it and jump back down. Now, all he could do was to look up and watch a crow fly free with his own murder.

He couldn't reach him, since he's too high; he couldn't see him, since it's too dark. He's hopeless.

“Tsuki,” the silence voice caught him, “earlier, I noticed something.”

“Was it about me? I'm fine, didn't you say it's okay?” He lifts his body to turn around and see what his friend was talking about, but he only sees Yamaguchi whose eyes are looking down, with his fingers strangled with each other.

“No, it's about the practice match. I noticed that. . . Uh,” Yamaguchi sighed.

“Spit it out. It's not like I'm gonna eat you alive if you did, or throw you on the other side of the planet. They're just words and events, they won't affect me that much.” He puked out these words as if they're true, but sometimes, what we think was right were just pure sugarcoating to hide our hurt self, it's a wrong pride we try to wear as cape and crown.

“Hinata did it on purpose. I could feel it. The tension between you two was stronger than what you and Hinata had against Nishinoya-kun and Kiyoshi-kun. He wears his lazy eyes, the flat colored orbs of his eyes up front. I couldn't see Hinata at all.”

Tsukishima didn't move. He looked up to the darkening sky, with hues of red, orange and dirty yellow splashing near the sun. He tries his best to reminisce the match. He did notice about the lack of communication, the lack of signals, but he wasn't able to pay attention to the small movements and expressions which Hinata shows. He's more fixed to the fact that they're playing together, with the past catching up behind them and like a shadow below them whenever they jump.

“I wonder why would he do that? Does it still affects him too?”

“I don't think so. But who knows? It's an unanswerable question, neither of us knows and neither would. Hinata was the sun, yeah right. But even the sun creates an illusion of dirty, pale colors on the clouds when it's setting down.”

“Tsuki, you can speak in normal language sometimes, you know?” Regardless the things he had heard, Tsukishima was able to chuckle with Yam’s reminder.

“I mean, Hinata might be all energetic, with limitless stamina and a ball of light, but that doesn't change the truth that he's still the same as us, who can create a different persona, a different mask. Only us knew what we have behind the person we are in front of each other,” Tsukishima smiled, looking up to see the sun covering itself with the silhouette of trees.

“But I'm still wondering, who is Hinata? He's enigmatic, he's known for being a social butterfly, a sponge who absorbs every knowledge about his passion, but who is he? I bet, only one person knows. Right, Tsuki?” Yamaguchi looked up to meet Tsukishima's zoning out face. A sly grin was plastered on Yamaguchi's lips.

“I don't know. Let's ask the cosmos,” Tsukishima responded. He earned a laugh from his long-life acquaintance.

“The moon knows, but maybe the darkness knows more. Tsuki, if I were to ask you, does the darkness deserves the sun more, or was it the moon?” Tsukishima stopped walking ahead of Yamaguchi when the question banged his head.

“If I were to answer it, the darkness deserves the sun more, or vice versa. The darkness helps the sun to stand out, while the moon does nothing. The moon happens to satisfy us, humans, but what more? However, if it affects mortal's emotions, helping them to calm, to submit to peace of night, don't you think the moon needs the sun too?”

“I thought we can talk using normal language, Yams? But what is this, now?”

Yamaguchi didn't reply fast, rather he fastened his pace to walk forward to Tsukishima and used his hand to tap his shoulder for the second time.

“If you love it, go for it. You love something that's why you need it, you aren't able to do anything because what you love was far from you. However are you ready to take steps back, when someone already caught what you love?

“Tsuki, I'm not blind. I could still see the spark in your eyes, that turns into fire when Hinata occupies your sight. Knowing the past of you two, why don't you try to run back and claim what was yours? Why not take a risk, since you already tried it once? It's never too late, Tsuki. I'm not a Nekoma player, but I have instinct too. This gut of mine tells me that somehow, Hinata wants you still– he wants to tell you something he cannot.”

Tsukishima was stunned on his position, unable to absorb the reality he's at in the current moment, where in Yamaguchi, his anxious friend was telling him lessons for life. He was glued on the ground, as if he's not ready to what was coming next to him, or out of his mouth. Analyzing his own words, organizing his thoughts, so he won't puke out irrelevant things he doesn't mean to spit.

No matter how much he looks away from the sight of the sun, or how much he tries not to, whenever their eyes meet, he knew there were words that are locked inside those orbs, beneath the glimmering surface of his iris and on the deepest bed of the lake. Those glimmers which vanished when they made contact, the rays that switch off when they communicate, despite of these emotions and expressions which seem to push Tsukishima away, by seeing the frown on the smiling person's lips, he felt like he needs to dive deeper and find the missing treasure.

However was it really not late yet? Or that's just what he wants to believe, since time feels like it's too vast and they're now living in space and would only repeat the same routines? He doesn't knows, unless he flies.

“If he wants to tell me something, why doesn't he run up to me, or shout in my face like he usually do when I pissed him off? It's not like I'm a stranger for him–” He received a slight smack on the back of his head from Yamaguchi.

“You’re oblivious, I'm not surprised if one day you happen to be reincarnated as the oblivion. Can't you see? Hinata has his guards up around you, he has trust issue, he developed thick vines around him, caging himself when you're nearby him. He's conscious of you and your presence, you're a scary, intimidating bug which might pest his fields of flowers.” He heard a deep breath, making him look down to his feet which stepped over the crunchy leaves brought by fall.

“It’s. . . I don't understand why?” Tsukishima faked a chuckle. “Why would he change? Was it my fault that I'm not fond of emotions? That I wasn't not like him, or Kenma who can catch up with his gullible personality?”

“Let's ask you, Tsuki. Do you think Hinata wants to be friendly around you, or be as gullible and bubbly around you like when he's with Kogane, Kageyama, or our Nishinoya and Tanaka senpai?” His eyes darted to his friend's face, whose eyes are wide and waiting for his opinion. However no words slipped off of his mouth, it was pure silence and unanswerable question left hanging in his mind.

“You had the answer, Tsukishima. It was given to you by the New Year's Eve.”

[4] Tsukishima lies on his futon, with the earphones on and booming his ears with the sound of bass and drums and electric guitar, high-pitched voice of singers, talking about unfaithful love, broken destiny and perpendicular-lines-like love story. He lies as if he's in space, unaware of his surrounding, staring creepily on the white ceiling of his room, while shadows of the evening embraces it.

He's still on his uniform, with his eyeglasses on. However neither the instrumental, nor the singers's voice could distract him from overthinking. His mind was miles away, thinking about probable outcomes when he dare tries to do what Yamaguchi suggested him to. He's also spacing out about ‘the answer’ that Yamaguchi mentioned. He's been thinking of an answer to the drastic changes that Hinata had towards him, thinking that it was not meant to be answered, since it was unanswerable; However the answer was part of the past, the beginning.

‘Changes are necessary for one to adapt to new emotions, new environment, new feelings. It's necessary.’

‘Was it really bound to happen? For people to drastically move their personality away from the current one? To fade even if it's slow, as slow as the tortoise who had hatched from an egg and eagerly uses its arms to run towards the ocean?’ There was no answer to Tsukishima's questions, the silence of his room gave him chills down to his toes, while his mind couldn't focus on the songs he's listening to.

The sound of lamenting voice, thick and soulful, shouting-singing about true love, about obstacles between love and contentment. These songs suddenly hit Tsukishima at the back of his head, with the reality of yesterday, with the events he had been through from the past. He's asking himself why would Shoyo run away, without even hearing his reasons? Was it his fault he has trust issue? Was it his fault that he's afraid of something new?

Was it really Shoyo who ran away, or was it him who turned his back and took steps away from the sun? He knew to himself that the sun moves around nothing, rather the moon revolves around it with its meant planet. He has no planet to move around, or he had but he let it go, like a snowflake in winter, or dead leaves in fall, it was always easy for Tsukishima to loose his grip on things which once interested him. He sucks with emotions, he uses his past to guard his real intentions; like what they've said, Tsukishima is a walking bottle of unreached expectations, issues and unwanted experiences, just like everyone, but unlike many people, it isn't easy for him to open himself even if he meets a stranger to tackle it with.

On their first year, when Hinata Shoyo, a guy who stands 162 centimeters tall, came running towards the metal door of the gym with his rival (Kageyama), he promised himself he won't pick any interest to that little ball of sunshine. He dared himself that if he consciously takes a leap beside the smaller guy, or initiate a conversation with him, he'll smack his head on the wall of his room for a hundred times.

Yet, it was a battle between him and himself not to give a little span of attention to the descendant of the sun. He just shines brightly wherever he goes, emitting an overwhelming and unbearable amount of light in the air, showing everyone how luminous his smile was which probably have already met the archangels in heaven, due to how high it was.

The moon, no matter where the sun was, would reflect it's light. Unconscious of his own actions and feelings, oblivious of his thoughts about Hinata, he slowly stumble down to the pit of Hinata's gullibility. By that time, Tsukishima found himself swearing to the universe that he would change the Science, he would go against it, to prove that the sun could have a moon around it. Turned out, it was all metaphors, all ‘words’. (1)

The lids of his eyes are becoming one, making his visions not blurry but dark. The sound of metal and punk songs which his earphones tried to sing are not audible anymore, it was pure silence with the presence of the flat line inside his head. Soon, the annoying ringing in his ears faded away and replaced by the cracking of fireworks in the sky.

His eyes shot open. Adjusting his vision by closing his eyes for mere seconds. The warm and gentle hands carefully soothes his, caressing his forearms as if he's a porcelain. He couldn't look down beside him, he dared not to, he promised he would never do.

“Tsukishima,” the high-pitched voice was nowhere to be found, it was all low and careful, with the hint of quivering lips– trembling words, “It's okay, right? It's okay to feel this way, right?”

He has no words to use for replying. He couldn't even manage to process in the smart brain of his if why was Hinata spewing these words towards him. Why would Hinata touch him like he was a fragile glass, or a precious gem, that he would dare not to lose even a finger's grip around it? ‘It's not right, it's not okay,’ he wants to utter these words at least, but he has no courage to do so.

He has no time to blow down his pride in able to please the smaller, older guy. He scoffed, but still, there was no single words coming out of his thin and pinkish lips. His courage was probably too high, that it leads him thinking that his pride should be at the same level as it is. Or probably, it was due to when he speaks, he would only vomit hurtful words in the face of the guy he looks up to despite of the height.

“Please, tell me I'm all right. Tell me I'm not a pest, or not a stigma for anybody's life and memories; tell me it's okay to be this way, Tsukishima?” Still, there was no words mouthed by him.

Another firecracker exploded in the sky, yellow lights are emitted, they reflected on Shoyo's skin like he was a mirror. However the yellow tint suddenly became dirty and muddy when it reflects on his eyes– the tearful eyes, where whales of unspoken emotions are swimming all around. The hands which tug on the hem of his sleeves are tight, causing him almost unable to move and breathe.

But even so if he had the chance to yank his hands away, he wouldn't dare. It's once in a life time experience. Everything's new and peculiar for him. Celebrating New Year's Eve with his friends, being with the person he adores during and after the countdown of New Year's Eve at the rooftop of their building, feeling overwhelmed by the pressure that the detonation of firecrackers create; most of all, seeing tears on the happy face's eyes.

“H-Hinata,” he finally spoken. However it was dead silence which follows, no more firecrackers had lit up the sky, only the sound of cheering below and the lights on the small town of Miyagi were present.

“Tell me, am I wrong? Am I dirty? Or was I confused of myself? Just give me an answer, I'll proceed on forgetting that this happened between the two of us. I need only one answer, especially from you.” Hinata hiccuped, grips are tightening around Kei's sleeves.

“Why me, Hinata? We're not close, or best friends. We barely talk with each other, I always pushed you away, or insulted you. Why are you opening up to me and asking me about these stuff?” Kei's eyebrows rose up, demanding an answer from Hinata whose eyes are about to break any time.

More hiccups could be heard, until they were replaced by sobs and tears dribbling down to Hinata's chin. There was no other sound than the silent sobs of Hinata, aside from his heavy breaths.

“Because you're the only one who could stop me from being like this, Tsukishima. You're the only one who can push my emotions at the end of their limits.” Hinata's shoulders are shivering, despite of the thick thermal jacket he's wearing. “Because I love you, Kei. I really do.”

The words Hinata puked out made it possible for Tsukishima's heart to rise up to his throat. The lump was there, gagging him, making it hard for him to inhale fresh and thin air, unable to process the information he heard. For him, it's an information, it was not an emotions, expression, or confession; the Tsukishima Kei of first and second years are both analytical and let their minds drive their body, emotions are weaknesses for them.

Instead of showing wide eyes and welcoming Hinata with a hug, like what he had always wanted to do, he chuckled which made Hinata flinch and stop from sobbing. Tsukishima's brown orbs met Hinata's dimming hazel ones. He would like to gently close his lids and place pecks of kisses over them, but he can't. His mind was saying different thing, which is to push this guy away and avoid him for the rest of his life, even though he's feeling the same.

“I'm sorry, what?” He asked in a mocking tone. This question and the voice he used was enough for Hinata to loose the grips he had on the guy's sleeves, moving a few steps backwards.

“You love me? But that's not right,” he chuckles once more. “It's not right for a guy to fall for another one, it's disgusting.”

Dead silence and gloominess hugged the two of them. There was his fear came out, speaking non-existent things, elaborating the opposite of his feelings and thoughts. He watched Hinata's face create his expected reaction, however it wasn't shown. A teardrop fell from Hinata's left eye, before he heard a mellow, yet broken laugh.

“You're right. That's right. It's suspicious for a guy to think he's in love for another one, isn't it?” By that moment, Tsukishima only wanted to hug the shattering pieces of Hinata, to do his best and glue him back to his real form, back to the disciple of the sun. But how dare he make his wants into reality, after being the reason if why Hinata's breaking?

“It's disgusting to feel attraction towards the same sex. I always thought about it and thinks it was alright, that it would be accepted by anyone. I was struck by your words and it hooked me back to reality.” Hinata sighs, wiping his tears off using the hem of his jacket. He turned his soaked face up to meet Tsukishima's figure, standing steadily in front of him with the arisen and blond eyebrows.

He beamed the way he used to be, grinning ears to ears. Emitting the same energy which the stars above them have. His eyelashes soaked by his tears, and the corners of his eyes alongside his cheeks and nose are all red. He raised his hands with all the energy he had left within him, waving it side-by-side.

“I guess, see you on the practice after New year. Goodnight and happy new year, Tsukishima. Let's proceed to nationals, okay?”

“Thank you for listening, Kei.”

His eyes gaze on the mists around the guy with blazing hair who turned his back on his face, walking as if the time was beneath his feet, slowing down, giving Kei enough moment to cherish the sight. His hands are tingling and been wanting to grab Hinata by the hood of his jacket, to once again, feel his warmth just like when he tugged his nails on Tsukishima's sleeves.

He doesn't liked what he had heard from the ginger guy. He's been eager to hear those words, to hear sincere phrases, emotions on peak and overflowing, but he was the one who decided to put a lid on the jar which tempted him to feel the same emotion. The last sentences which Hinata worded out weren't favorable for him, it's not what his ears were waiting for, or his heart was eager to know more about.

He wants to hear his name, alongside the word love. He wants to hear, ‘I love you, Kei’, for the last time. His ears are heating, chest was about to detonate anytime, yet the presence of that single sentence was rather replaced by silence and the explosion of a firecracker above him. The hue of yellow, shimmering remnants of lights in the dark sky reflects on his whole being, until it slowly vanished, leaving him with darkness and freezing wind.

Just like the way Hinata left him on the rooftop during the New Year's Eve, since then, he was embraced by nothing, but ice and lament.

He wants to swallow his own existence, to disappear and or create a massive hole under him, swim in the void of space outside the planet, or go back in time, to the 1600s, or back to the moment when Hinata's confessing about his feelings. Yet no matter how many heaves of sigh he tries to pull out, or how much he lock his real emotions in the deepest realm of his soul, he's also feeling the same, but his mind whispered different thing.

‘A man doesn't fall for another man. It's nonsense, it's a sin, it's disgusting.’

He cannot utter it to himself. But he knew, he did himself look like and sound like a homophobic person. Pushing away his shadow, by pushing away his source of light– now the shadow was nowhere, it has exchanged places with his mind, the realm of infinite worries, thoughts and scrambled knowledge and philosophy about life.

For Tsukishima, emotions are only valid if they are worded out by mouth with sincerity through expressions. Since his father broke his own promise, Kei swore to himself that he would never believe any kind of emotions again. He had sworn to himself that no one would be able to get into his darkest part, never again, after two of the people he look up for broke him in two different important events, in two narcissistic ways.

It was not his fault for being this reserved and distant from other individuals who prioritize their emotional thinking. Yet he's here, breaking another person in able to process what he was, what his issues are and what are the aspect of his life which he needs to improve and fix.

Sighs left his mouth while going home. Walking together with the king of court, the pinch server and the guy who had confessed to him earlier, taking careful steps with his bike by his side, grinning like he's not enduring something inside. Kei refused to glance over him, or peak on his face; he won't be able to hold it longer if he does, the guilt, regrets, the worries for tomorrow and the other days and weeks.

He knew he messed up Hinata and himself, along the building friendship between them. He's smart, he has the brain that's why he became the captain of Karasuno, but why can't he think of a formal and proper way to apologize? Where was his courage when he's teasing and pissing Hinata and Kageyama off? He's not the one who bursted his emotions, but he's the one who seems affected.

“Are you okay, Tsukishima?” Yamaguchi lowered his head to see Tsukishima's serious face, staring on the path they're taking. Kageyama and Hinata are bickering behind them, discussing about who will treat who with meat buns when they win the Spring Inter High matches.

“I’m fine,” he replied with hoarse voice. “Things are tangled inside my head, maybe I'll be able to unknit them later.”

Yamaguchi hummed, followed by gentle whistles of lullaby. “I wonder why do people tend to keep their selves behind hundreds of mountains in able to get help?”

“What are you pertaining to?”

“Tsuki,” Yamaguchi chuckled, “we've been friends for years. I can read you like a book, or observe you like the changes of season. I know when you're being bugged by pests, looking corrupted. You can always seek for help, you see?” Yamaguchi beamed, waving his hands and pointing himself. “I may be fearful inside or outside the court, but I'm not that stupid not to be able to use metaphors and elaborate them.”

“Since the moment you and Shoyo left, you've been more quiet and colder. It's been only an hour ago, what happened to the moon?” Only a grin he could do, before his fists formed into balls in the pockets of his coat.

“I ran away from the light. I supposed, I choke myself with the problems that were not supposed to be mine. What should I do?”

“Then run back and face the main cause of your problem. Run back when you already has enough courage to solve it, it will pay off, even if it would take time. Time also needs time, right? You're not a coward, Kei. You're a smart knight.”

‘Yes, I'm smart. But had Yamaguchi heard of the knights who died in the battles yet? I suppose not.’

“Maybe tomorrow, the next day, next week. I don't know when. I don't know how.”

“I have no idea what happened, but try to invent solutions. There are no wrong or right consequences, since what was currently happening is already wrong. All you could do was rest, think and take risk. Even the moon has different phase, it also has the phase when it doesn't reflect the light of the sun. In my perspective, you're at that time. It's necessary to mess up sometimes although it's not, it's a paradox. Life is a paradox, anyways.

“So slow down, Tsuki. Breathe. Then face your back and get back to where you've came from, to the cause of your energy for running away.”

“To Hinata.”

Tsukishima wandered his gaze all over their surrounding, picking up the sight of two people grilling their beef; the annoyed and grim face of Kageyama, shouting on the evaporating Hinata. He stared, slowly getting paralyzed and diving into his own thoughts. Oblivious of somebody else's gaze on his side profile, whose face was calm unlike his emotions.

‘Why him.’

[5]Back to the current time, Spring had come. Weeks had passed after he had a steaming confrontation with Hinata; and they've finished two days of practice against Nekoma and Date Tech already. As usual, they catched up slowly, but still making progress. Fighting against Nekoma feels like avoiding the scratches of a stray cat's claws, while it moves aggressively and you're in a cage. Meanwhile, Date Tech fights as if they're their own walls, that only severe heat can melt them down.

As usual, Tsukishima came up with his own solution, and so does Kageyama. The two of them are sure not in good terms, they don't even have a smooth conversation where one of them speaks in neutral way. Tsukishima sees Nekoma as cats who are untamed; cats are instinctive, have guts, they trust their self, hence they trust the brain; regardless these information which Tsukishima have come up to, Nekoma's defense is no joke and not lame.

Tobio on the other hand reads the blocking of Date Tech, but they're already aware of it, they had read their weapons already and might as well, help them to polish the tip of their spears. Kageyama knew that they had Aone, the 2 meter tall guy, who talks nothing that could block all of their serves and spikes. Nonetheless, they could still pick up with the intense block defense by using the quick attack quicker, or slowing down– it's about tempo and time. Kageyama has the power on where and when the ball will hit the goal point.

Aside from the two of them was Hinata who sat on the benches with Yachi and Coach Ukai. He exchanged place with Yamaguchi who had just served. He focused his eyes on the ball flying free in the air, being pounded back and forth with raging hands. His nails are scratching the hem of his shorts, while secretly biting the inside of his cheeks, sweats are crawling down to his neck as he watch the intense match between Karasuno and Date Tech.

They had a rally and for the last set, Karasuno won, with the overall set score of 2 and 1. Hinata happened to play for the third set, closing the game with him being a decoy, and Tanaka hitting the ball like the ace he is. Before he could even turn his back to the court, he saw how Akaashi talks with Tsukishima, slowly peaking over Tsukishima's ears and taking a glance on his face with a blank face; a face occupied with questions and void.

He shook his thoughts away and proceed to the changing room with the other players, however he stopped for a moment. He bent down and massaged his knees, droplets of sweats are multiplying on his forehead and eyebrows, cheeks are flushed and so the side of his eyes.

Nishinoya came running beside his junior, putting his arms over his shoulders, only for it to be yanked by Hinata away. Hinata, also shocked by his own action, bow down to his senior and rushed away from the group of worried player, walking far with his limping knees.

He felt regret, he wants to come back and tell them what's happening, but he cannot explain it either. His joints are burning hot, when Nishinoya laid his arms over him, he felt a sudden struck of pain and pinch-like feeling on his shoulder blades. His joints are all started feeling like they're being crushed, making him kneel on the floor of the changing room. Sooner, he could hear the incoming noise of whispers and laughs, the stomping of feet caused by horseplay. The metal door of the room creak as it opened wide, revealing Hinata's worse condition;

He's lying on the ground with scarlet cheeks and pale lips, almost taking a bath with his own sweats. There are few blue bruises showing under his arm which was exposed. The current state of Karasuno's energetic and overjoyed ball of sun made them gasp for air, neither of them knows why and what's happening. Hinata has no time to ask why, to call for help, he has no time to wonder what's occuring at the moment.

His lids are slowly kissing each other; the sight of his teammates shouting at top of him and their hands on his limbs while some are gently tapping his cheeks, they're getting blurry and unclear. He couldn't feel nor move his body, he's paralyzed, he knew he's not asleep but he's not awake either.

He doesn't know what solution to use to ease the anxiety and paranoia for what's happening, only he could wish for was for all of this to end. He has still dreams, he might sound ridiculous, but he knew that this kind of extreme pain won't disappear after one medication; it might last for a long time, it might be chronic, or worst it might shorten his lifespan.

Tsukishima kneeled beside Hinata's unconscious body, gently rubbing circles on his left forehand. He felt dribbling sweats on his neck and cheeks, they're waiting for the coach and some first aid to whatever Hinata was fighting. Even Yachi doesn't have an idea what have just happened. They cannot lift Hinata, especially when his body looks bad, there might be injuries that could get worse.

“H-Hinata-san, didn't he look like he's about to burst in pain when he rushed away from us, earlier?” Kiyoshi opened up, trying to get through the head of the needle and tension building up inside them.

“In pain?” Kiyoshi hummed to Tanaka's question.

“He caressed his knees, he seemed like he's having a high fever and sweats are suddenly showering him.” The first year shivered on these symptoms, followed by caressing his own arms. “I’m afraid it is what I think it could be.”

Tsukishima didn't budge to utter a word. He listened instead, however Kageyama knowing how impatient he is, he sighed fiercely, causing the other members to look up to his darkening face.

“I know what you're trying to talk about too. But let's try not to jump to conclusions, this mights just give us panic if we focus in it,” he flicked his tongue. “Also we would be attracting the actual disease if we think more of it, we could get Shrimp in danger if we think so.”

Nishinoya stood up from squatting beside Tanaka. “What was that?”

“Law of attraction.” Kageyama raised an eyebrow, while Nishinoya gave him an expression of amazement, wide eyes and opened mouth, boozing his ego up.

“Tanaka, isn't he getting smart?”

“Yeah, right. He's finally using his brain–”

“Tanaka-san, when will you use yours?”

“You brat!”

These noise passed by Tsuki's ears in a blur. He's fully focused to help Hinata and wake him up to ask what happened. But what Kageyama and Kiyoshi told made him curious. His eyes narrowed while examining the bruises on Hinata's underarms, they're just blueish earlier, now they're getting purple. Hinata's breathing pattern is slowing down too, his chest was popping up and down faster than usual.

“What happened?” Coach Ukai asked, letting the paramedics enter. The other members gathered around him while they tackle Hinata's condition, however Tsukishima stayed where he was, watching Hinata being picked up to a stretcher.

He eyed his limping, fragile figure, as if it's dead. The thought of Hinata being dead stroke his system, causing him to tremble while he walks towards the other people in the room. They are exchanging perspectives and thoughts, observations and worries, whole Kei remained silent.

“Hey, salt, aren't you worried at least?” Kageyama bolted towards him with crossed arms.

“I am, I just don't know how to word my worries out.” He earned a small chuckle from Kageyama.

“Sure.” Tsukishima knew he has no time for the king's games and acts, so he stayed quiet and unmoved, going back to the image of sick Hinata.

‘What kind of sickness could make someone feel that way?’ (1)

[6]The practice continued without Hinata, but everyone couldn't feel less worried for the sun's condition. The gym without him feels like it was having a deficiency, or anemia, it has the energy and stamina, but the light is missing. Hinata was told to isolate for the meantime while he tackles about his condition with few of the coaches and the paramedic. Karasuno felt like they're lacking regarding stamina and speed, even points, they sure can surpass more than what they've achieved, but the core of the group was missing.

They realized that it wasn't just Hinata's ability that keeps them alive, it's also his presence itself; his existence.

Karasuno had a match against Date Tech, they received diving punishment for the three sets, but they endured the pain, minds are focused still on Hinata even if Yachi had told them to focus on the game. Yachi was worried too, but she can't let this pass. She knew Hinata would feel disappointed of himself once he find out that the group became gloomy when he's not beside them.

Hundred spiking, sixteen laps around the campus, Karasuno endured it. They're paralyzed for the whole day and the aching on their body felt nothing. The Nekoma, Date Tech and Fukurodani noticed how dim the crows are, they seemed flightless.

Kogane and Lev are exchanging glares and thoughts as they observe the Karasuno group who were silently eating in a table. They are surely eating, meats are getting grilled around them, sweats are almost showering them, but neither of these ethereal things could distract them, since they had a bigger distraction.

The noise of laughing, munching and talking of the players were silenced once they witness a wheelchair being taken out of a car. It was a bliss memory, the second moment is they could see Hinata meters away from them who's riding the wheelchair with the coaches behind him, asking him side to side. A young kid with the same hair color as Hinata is beside the woman with black hair pushing the said helper product.

Karasuno stopped eating, they all stood up, including Kenma and Aone from two different groups. They follow the sight of Hinata going out of the campus, being dragged away from the already gloomy place.

“Hinata?”

“Karasuno's superhuman? Where are they putting him? Why is he on a wheelchair?”

“I heard he collapsed yesterday after the last practice match. What happened?”

Kageyama stares to the view, a painful, confusing view. His chopsticks dropped dead on the table when he started running off through the hallways. Some players of Karasuno followed him, shouting his name and asking him to stop being impulsive. But he can't. He can't lose his partner.

Kageyama can't lose who also helps him to improve. Tsukishima on the other hand shouted on the top of his lungs, confusing his teammates, fueling the fire on Kageyama's chest.

“Stop them! Please, stop them, Kageyama!”

The first years stopped, bending while their palms rest on their knees. Meanwhile the second and third years remained running. Kageyama reached the side of the car, coaches are looking on him with knitted eyebrows. He pants and smudge off the oil of the meat he ate.

“H-Hinata. Coach, where is Hinata going?” He asked, still panting and bent on his knees.

“Kageyama,” Coach Ukai hesitated. He glanced around and asks for permission from other coaches and the paramedics if he could say it out loud, but all of them shook their heads.

“Let's talk about this later with the team.” Keishin smiled faintly, regardless the fact that Kageyama could see how unreal it is. “For now, Hinata has to go home. He's not f-feeling well, you see?”

He can't buy his excuse. No one will. Yet he glanced on the slip between the coaches and what he saw brought his jaw on the ground.

‘Hinata has his eyelids covering quarter of his eyes, which seemed like they'd lost a battle, or the light. His cheeks sunken, lips are chapped, pale and there are blue patches on his exposed neck and arm.’ He stood in shock, exhaustion left his body and replaced by worries. He remained there as they bid goodbye to Hinata and his mom, no proper farewell for him or the team, unable to hear his voice one last time.

A silent whisper left his lips, “did you do it, Hinata?”

[7]The practice matches finished. They've finished smoothly, but draining. Obviously, Karasuno still carried the worries they had for Hinata. Unlikely the first day when Hinata was gone, Karasuno got the silver lining out of the situation. They did their best like Coach Ukai and Yachi said so, “Do your best so Hinata would feel good and proud, same goes to all of you. Hinata would hate to hear that his departure became a burden, let's continue and make him our motivation.”

The bus was quiet, neither Tanaka of Nishinoya produced any noise, it was pure silence and drained souls in every seats. Takeda sensei doesn't know what to say, he has no words to light up the mood, the way Hinata could.

“About Hinata, his condition.” Ukai opened up, still looking straight on the road. Everyone jolted on their seats, ears are waiting and hanging in the air.

“The paramedics are still unknown about what happened to him, as to why I didn't have any words to explain it to all of you when Hinata departed from the campus. However, they're taking few blood tests of him, they have no a primary hypothesis, but we can't jump onto conclusion yet,” he sighed.

“There was a disease spreading around, the problem was it doesn't affect all people like a virus do. It's uncommon. Few more tests are needed to be answered, then Hinata and us would finally know what's up.”

“I, I might know what it is, coach.” Yachi trembled, thinking of the possibility that her theory would be true.

Ukai glanced on her quivering figure, “Yachi-chan, we can't just conclude, you know?”

“But I've read it in the library one time. The symptoms are pretty accurate too. When I talked to Hinata before he was told he'll be going home the next day, he told me his joints are burning, his muscles are like drowning in acid. He said that he barely breathe and sometimes when he's asleep, he would only become aware that he's not breathing.” The bust once again fell silent.

“Eh? How come he told you more than the helpers and coaches?” Ukai chuckled, smile slowly vanished when he realized that whatever Yachi's theory could be true since she has more foundation and proof.

“Yachi-san, what is it?” Miyaki asked, causing Yachi to go pale.

“It's a rare disease that only affects rejected people, however it affects those people who were rejected by the person they happened to like in the same sex as them,” tension filled the bus, “it's called Lacrime Sole.”

“Lacrime Sole because it causes someone to feel like they're being burnt to death while they're still alive. There's still no found cure for this. L-Let's not think that I'm right, it's my own analysis–”

Kageyama stood up, neglecting the speed of the bus. “Hinata really did it? I told him not to!”

Tsukishima's ears tingled, he felt heat on his forehead so he rose his head up only to meet Kageyama's piercing glares. He raised an eyebrow and waited for a word, the king chuckled. Kageyama pointed his fingers on Tsukishima's face and went out of their row.

The first year suddenly panicked, causing Yachi to look over her shoulders only to find the players calming two of the towers of the group. Nishinoya glanced over her and yelled her name, which caught Ukai's attention too.

“You two! What do you think you are doing! We might get in an accident because of your immature fight!” Ukai run off to the back row, separating Kageyama and Tsukishima.

“Ask that salt, coach! Ask the one at fault!”

“Why me, king? I'm not the one who started this bullshit!” Kageyama gave him a slight tap on his cheeks and chuckled afterwards.

“Then what was the reason for me to do that?” This silenced him, all of them. Coach Ukai looked up to Tsukishima with furrowed eyebrows.

“Tsukishima, what did you do?” Silence.

“Tsukishima, I repeat, what did you do?” Another silence, but the tension's building heavier.

“Tsukishima!”

“I did nothing. I absolutely did nothing.”

Yachi's mind was floating away while the bickering ahead of her continues. The information she gathered from the encyclopedia she once read flashbacks in her mind as if they're just in front of her.

“A known actor was admitted to secluded room in **** hospital as he remained under observation. It was mentioned that he'd be taking psychological tests, and blood and bone marrow tests to confirm if he's really suffering the disease named ‘Lacrime Sole’.

“There are already few people who had suffered this illness. They are observed and some are tamed, unfortunately, there's still no cure. The patient would remain under no name, or any more specifications for their own privacy and safety.

“Over the past few years, Lacrimae Sole's patients remained few, the causes are still getting examined and learned. As bad as it, most of the patients died in a short lifespan. Many of them died after three months.

“The symptoms are burning muscles, aching bones, inching joints, purple bruises on skin and heavy eyes, patients might also suffer on drastic weight loss. The drugs which are used to tame the symptoms are high dosages, causing for bones to weaken more and the immune system to shut down slowly. These complexities make it impossible for patients to survive. 

“It means,” Yachi faked a laugh, “he confessed to someone? Or unluckily, to a guy?”

Miyaki gulped his own saliva, looking over the frozen figures of his seniors. He could see Yachi with her hands on her lips, eyes are dim.

“Yachi-chan?” Kageyama's fist stayed in mid air, waiting for the next words from their human encyclopedia.

“Hinata-san. . . he might have confessed to someone who rejects him in a cruel way. What's worse is, this has no cure at all. I'm afraid,” her lips quivered as she goes pale, “I'm afraid we'll lose him.”

Tsukishima's eyes grew wider, his grip on Kageyama's shirt tightened. His teeth are colliding against each other, almost turning everything he could see into dust due to secret madness behind the shock expression.

[The sun's being taken away by his own kind.]

He lost his grip on the shirt of the angered guy in front of him, pushing him gently, stepping forward to meet the narrowed eyes of their coach.

“Coach Ukai, I . . . I'm guilty.”

Maybe this was the time he's waiting for. The time to slow down, to breathe, and hopefully, go back and save ‘him’. And hopefully, he's not late yet.

It's more like he's wishing, not hoping. Because all of them knew that this disease they're coming for as an answer isn't as mild as cold, but as chronic as life itself.

‘I'm guilty.’


	2. The Sun's Disciple is also a Risk Taker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Kei thinks he could straighten the curved line, that was knotting the same time as the current occurrences, through confessing; Shoyo, on the other hand, only could think of no love, but an apology.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter, a snippet about what happened to Shoyo after he confessed. The second wave of the pain and achings.

He was there, standing still as his phone sunk in between the straps of his bag, that lies on the concrete ground. The sun was still up, but it's not as hot as it used to be during the noon time. He wants to dance. His toes are tingling and his muscles are ticklish. He wants to sway his limbs, his fingertips are shivering as he traces his arm.

The clouds scattered in the sky, as if they were crawled by a bear, bruised and broken. The purple and orange splashes of colors are merging, creating a muddy red and brown in between. He could see the red roofs of the houses from the great distance, and the stream of water under the old bridge was seen, too.

Hinata rolled the sleeve down from his elbows to his wrists. He cannot feel the same quivering of his knees when he wants to go to a sudden and indecisive bicycle ride. He can only feel the fading excitement that he has earlier for dancing freestyle. He can feel himself fading, like the luminosity of the sun that was soon to settle.

His fears for the later on started to spark like the flickering stars behind him, and the consequences of his unplanned actions started to hit his consciousness just like the darkness of the night crawls all over the place.

Hinata Shoyo, an enigmatic player of the current Karasuno volleyball team, once felt the fear he used to encounter during the games he attended for practice and actual matches. But this time, it's not because of people that are much larger than him, or those who are bigger in height. Rather, he's afraid of what lies on the time that will kick later or tomorrow. He's afraid of the time, the future, the unknown happenings that may occur ahead of him.

He knew he shouldn't have felt that. He shouldn't have done that– confessing to someone who dislikes people like him, people who are unsure of their real identity, not men and feminine in heart, those who had let their whole feminine side overshadow them; gays.

Lost in his thoughts, he was thrown back by the aching on his chest. He cannot breathe normally, he's snitching for air and his free hands clutched on the clothes covering his chests. He's gasping, but whenever he tries to gasp for larger amount of fresh thin air, it stings and it causes him to tear up.

Hinata felt his limbs burn, like a metal which had been put under a blue fire. It feels like his skin was being torn apart from his flesh, as his flesh sticks tighter around his bones, slowly melting the tissues, and the veins felt like they're about to pop due to pressure. This is his fear.

He fears something that he knew how it felt like once. The fear of the unknown amount of new pain, yet same event. He fears the feeling of being burnt alive from the inside. He fears the outcomes of his stupidity, the result of his lack of sensitivity and self-consciousness. He fear the touch of his own kind; the sun's tears.

His knees weakened, he could hear the destruction of his own bones through the thin air around him. The whistle of the breeze is nothing like the sound of his heart beating as if he's up front in a concert of a rock band. It's as if his body is under a sacrificing festival, a fiesta for the saint, with the marching bands doing the consecutive abnormal rhythm for his hearybeat and breaths.

He's aware of himself, feeling every pain, every aching joints and veins. He's ready to fall and for the fragments of his remaining life to scatter around. But the thought of something passed by the back of his mind.

He needs to do it, to correct these tangled events and outcomes of his idiotic acts in the past. A phrase could make everything right. One more risk and he'll be fine.

“I need to say my apology to Kei.”


	3. A Lonely Wolf Looks for the Sun in Winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The lonely wolf was howling in a broad daylight, waiting for the sun to rise and stay longer, despite of knowing it's winter.”
> 
> “You locked yourself away, wanting warm embrace, uttering nothing due to logic and pride, despite of having emotion deprived emotions.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, this is unedited and I decided to cut it into two parts. Please expect long ass crafty metaphors, personification, and hyperboles; paragraphs. I am in an emotional distress right now, so please bear with this angst chapter.  
> * If you see apostrophes, those are either flashbacks or thoughts or monologue. If you see quotation marks, those are current dialogues.
> 
> 𝙋𝙡𝙖𝙮𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩!!  
> | 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘋𝘦𝘤𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳  
> | 𝘔𝘺 𝘏𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘉𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘝𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘦  
> | 𝘚𝘯𝘰𝘸  
> | 𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘒𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘏𝘰𝘸  
> | 𝘔𝘳. 𝘓𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘯  
> By Rick Montgomery  
> | 𝘛𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘔𝘰𝘰𝘯  
> By Bruno Mars

“Will your love be still worth it, if he thinks nothing about your feelings anymore, but his own? People tend to be selfish unconsciously sometimes, but at those times, it's for good, for better, for their sake. Because not everything can be solved by love. Or it can, but only as a gateway to new life, nothing more.”

“He loved you. I think, that's what matter the most; the past.”

[1]Kei stood there, the white wooden door ahead of his eyes. The artificial air inside the building made him tremble due to the stimulation of sweat and cool breeze. He has no courage, all of the sudden. It felt like years before he could grip the handle of the door. The frozen knob made him shiver once more. 

‘Breathe.’ 

Time slowed down when he pushed thick and flat wood. There's no other sound than the beating of the machine for vital signs. The air-conditioner's noise made his heartbeat faster, as if it is about to run out of his ribcage. His eyes roamed the white room, searching for the same bubbly figure. But he saw no life, rather a fragile body, thin, lying under the white sheet.

He couldn't feel himself, his throat was blocked with a lump. He cannot process it all, he can't seem to remember who Shoyo was. It's been only months, but Shoyo's changes made him look like it had been decades. Kei remained standing as he eyed Shoyo's breaking body. The needles are stuck in his skin, liquids are coming into him– yellow, clear and a bit or orange colored ones.

His heart skipped a beat, before he could even step inside. The door creaks as it closes, and when it did, they were left in silence. He can't absorb whatever he's currently witnessing. The lovely and most lively person they used to know, the person who used to bring light to wherever they go, was now lying ahead of him, limping, sleeping and not knowing when he will wake up; the person who used to cast the light, now needs it.

He wants to kneel, break down, apologize. After all, he's the cause of all of these. He wants to bang his head on the wall beside him, to suffer in silence like Shoyo. Kei couldn't think of anything as of the moment, he wants to only hurt himself to the extent, to the point that he'll be able to suffer the same like Shoyo did.

‘𝘞𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘩 𝘪𝘵?’ Kageyama uttered, arms are over his legs as his cup of drink remained in between his fingers. He glanced over his shoulders to see Tsukishima's spacing out face, with eyes unfocused on him.

‘Would your love be worth it, if he's already dying?’ The blueberry eyed boy chuckled, but was followed by silence. His partner, the only person who can achieve the height that he would like to see since then, the person who taught him that he's great and he's not an outcast, he only needs to find the right person to set and give his time to, is nowhere to be found, and might be gasping for more time on Earth as the two of them talk.

‘Y-You know,’ he snorted a laugh, ‘I don't like this.’

Tobio straighten his back and leaned on the bench, his forehands are scratching his lids. He would never dare to cry, that's what he promised. But how can he, if his partner's life is at the end of the cliff? How, if everything feels like they're about to end, out of the blue? Kei stood beside him, watching as Tobio, an emotional constipated man, cries in front of him.

‘Shoyo has been talking with me about this certain person. Along that, he was talking about how he would like to plan his confession, how he would like to see this person's reaction, how he would say his confession as the firecrackers light up the sky. You, you know? He planned it ahead of time.’ Tobio's muffled sobs escaped his lips. He has no more room inside him to contain these emotions. He has to let them out. He has to mourn, or else, he'll break too, he'll shatter like Shoyo, too.

‘I told him, “Sho, don't you think it's risky?”.’ He heaved a deep breath. ‘But you know what he said?’

He glanced up, with flashes of tears and anger in his eyes. ‘It's okay, isn't love supposed to ache, too?’

‘He's freaking innocent and ignorant about love. . . that it scared me. My best friend fell for somebody who's also ignorant about love, and now we ended up here.’

Tsukishima felt his chest caged by something. He thought that it would be fun to see this king cry in front of him, but it isn't, especially when he's talking about someone who had vanished in the thin air. The words of love felt like lies, but they felt so true. He wants to break beside Kageyama, but he has no courage to do so. He's weak, he's been since then. He's frightened by love, that's why he turned it down even though it's genuine, and he needs it.

‘I miss him.’ Tobio sobbed. ‘The way we raced together, or when we fought after our blockings and spikes. I just miss his presence. And I'm afraid, that none of us would be able to see those smiles again. I'm afraid that the time would come when we'll only look up to see the sun, because he's not around us anymore.’

‘I sound pathetic, but aren't we all?

‘Humans are pathetic, because we don't know which is which of emotions we are feeling. And sometimes, we turn them down because of our pride and ego. We're pathetic for letting Shoyo break.’

‘I miss him.’

[2]Kei watched the green curving and flattening line on the vital machine. He sat beside Shoyo's bed, holding his slender fingers which are as cool as ice. He can't dare himself to look down, because he looked so different. His cheeks have sunk, his eyes too, with dark bags around it. His hair dried off and it doesn't look as fluffy as it used to be. His pale skin have gone more pale.

Since Kei have gone inside, he uttered nothing. It's supposed to be boring since he has nothing to accompany this silence, but here he is, watching the hyperactive person sleeps and let his disease take a toll in his body. It seems surreal, like a dystopian happening inside a dreamland. That disease might be really damned to be able to do this in span of months. Adding thr fact that it has no cure, it made itself worse.

Shoyo's fingers moved, a bit of shiver that made Tsukishima hopeful that he'll be able to talk to him. He's been having this sudden push of feelings inside him to talk to Shoyo. Yet he could only find courage at the moment that the fate decided for the disease to get more evil.

His eyes are focused on Shoyo's face, but they're trembling. He has no more tears to shed, no more sobs to let out. He hates to admit it, but this is their reality, he's drained and it's affecting his academics and games. The only fire that he has for volleyball had sparked once and now was gone.

‘I won't admit it. Don't.’

But after all of the happenings, his ego remained. At least a bit of its percentage must stay, because if not, he'll break. He doesn't like to break, at least not in front of the deprived body of his sun. He had been broken in their home, crying himself to sleep, thinking why he became worse and now, he suffers– they suffer the consequences.

Maybe, just maybe, it's not always about mind. Maybe, it's not always about how mentally strong you are. Maybe, it's about how much you can hold the lid of your emotions, before they burst. For Kei, he had been hiding these emotions for years. The emotions which were used to be shown like the stars when evening comes, were clouded by trust issues and bitterness for love.

Does happiness even exists? He used to ask that to himself, because if he's happy, it means he's already free. What does being free feels like? What does being good feels like? Is it relieving? Does it felt like heaven? Maybe, heaven was actually created, and its definition is whatever we feel whenever we dump all of our burdens and get back up again. Heaven was, probably, made to make us assured that we will be free once we became brave enough to take off our problems and face the reality.

Kei was never religious. He sees Science and Spiritual as balanced things. They never overlap, but they can be believed at at the same time. It's just that, he never thought fate exists, too. Fate exists unfairly for some, greatly for the others. And sometimes, human are stuck in this loop of fate, because they cannot find the way out.

And Kei is on that phase, where he cannot see any doorways, nor light in his darkness, for the light was now flickering and might also go dim. It frightens him of how much fate can change everything in a blissful breath, but what can he do, he's just a human, too.

Now, only a confession felt like the one that could make everything right. The only iron that could straighten the tangled knots of their connected heartbeats, the only product of his bravery that he could be proud of. Kei never thought he'd be doing this and mostly, in front of the person he breaks the most.

His hands gripped on Shoyo's. Those once were cold fingers warmed up for a bit. It was as if they're sharing his body's warmth. It's ironic, Shoyo used to be the source of their warmth. Kei choked on his own saliva, his tongue was on the way, he cannot utter his first word, nor take a deep breath.

He felt Shoyo grasped on his hand too, but he's not sure if it's his body's reflex, or is he awake. He's confused about it, the way he is if is this really their reality, or their nightmare. He wants to wake up, more than he wants Shoyo to do so.

‘It's a nightmare, isn't it? Shoyo would come to school tomorrow, with his bicycle, running all the way through the gym . . . with a smile and his orange—’

He choked on a muffled sob. He didn't even feel his tears coming out. Was he paralyzed? He cannot feel himself. It looks like he's about to be taken in one of the rooms in the hospital too. He tried to shrug the thought of being sick away, because it's his fault, anyways. It was his fault losing a grip on his only view, the only scenery he would like to see everyday, and the reason of not sleeping almost every night.

He's his own reason he had lost sight of Polaris, because all he want was the spring, never the winter. And the autumn, never the summer. He liked neither snow or heat, he liked nothing, so he loses both. He grabbed on none of them, hence, he's also lost; he got no map, he got no stars to help him find his route. He's stuck in this vast darkness, void devoid of emotions, a space which humans had decayed long time ago: sorrow and longing.

Kei's heart was buried somewhere, in a place he has no reach, just like his voice; and his courage sunk in between his flesh, getting liquidised by the heat of his tears. He has no control of himself and it seems like nothing does. Who would even dare to embrace a non-existent figure? Who would dare to hurt themselves to wrap their arms around the shattering glasses of him? The bland room was occupied by his sobs, bouncing on the four corners of it.

The artificial air grew colder, like his tears were being brought by the particles in the air, creating a small rain inside.

“I love you, Kei. Tell me, I'm alright. Tell me, I'm normal.”

His limbs shivered on the memory that flashes ahead of him. As his eyes opened from shedding crystalized aching, it was like a gradient effect that transitioned from those flooding, yellow eyes, to the shut and pale lids. Kei groaned, ready to detonate, his grasp on Shoyo's hands are getting tighter. He could feel no warmth from the older guy's hand, all are from his self. It felt like he's holding the snow in winter, or getting touch of the dripping popsicle in summer.

He felt nowhere, like a dot in a blank paper. Alone, lonely, nothing to hold at, to see, no home to sleep. He's just there, lost and wondering when will it all end; when will Shoyo open his eyes.

Out of feeling the cooling temperature, he hoped to feel a bit of warmth from Shoyo, so he leaned in and put his forehead on Shoyo's forehand.

He's dizzy from crying. He feel exhausted, but he's not sleepy. He needs to do something, to distract himself from this armageddon; to kill the boredom that starts to appear in his sight. To make a room for himself. He felt intoxicated and drunk, as if he had just drank his youth in a shot.

‘𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭, 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘩 𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰𝘹𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘞𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘩 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦.’ Keiji smiled, while swiping off the beads of sweat on his temple and neck. ‘𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘨𝘰 𝘰𝘧 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮. 𝘞𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴, 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘦𝘨𝘰.’

‘𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘭𝘶𝘥𝘦𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘩. 𝘈𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘩, 𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘴, 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯, 𝘦𝘨𝘰, 𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯. 𝘓𝘦𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘥𝘥 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦.’ He shut his eyes, feeling the breeze blow on his skin. ‘𝘓𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘨𝘰, 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯, 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨.’

Like a drunk man, Kei starter speaking gibberish words to Shoyo's sleeping body.

“Shoyo, you're our star....”

His eyes are out of focus, pupils are dilated, dim, like the thunderstorm's clouds that hovered over a calm countryside, or the gray and white smokes that invade a busking city.

“Wake up and.” He lost control of his voice, a bit higher pitched sound came from his mouth– sobs, muffled by hiccups. “and, and shed light to us, once more.”

“for once and might be my last.

“I'm begging you.”

If Shoyo would be able to see him, he'll feel real low and pathetic. He doesn't like crying, nor showing this breaking side of him. After all, he's the cause of all of these. He has no single reason to feel broken and left out. But can't he be a human, too? Because humans actually has no control of what controls them. Humans may tame these emotions, these feelings, the thoughts, the monsters, our demons, but there would always be some small and big points that they'll take a tour on us.

Kei was a victim and he can't admit it. Kei's trust was broken since he was a kid, a young person who used to [believe]. Kei used to be a child who likes fantasy, who used to see the dreamland vividly; he used to laugh while drawing stickmen, or reading hilarious comical books. He used to stroll downtown with his brother, or play volleyball with him, believing his words that turned out to be coated with white paint.

Kei used to be a child who feel like a cast. However, reality decided to visits and never leave. No matter how much Tadashi knows him, or his parents, he would never know if they really know him, because he has no single idea about himself.

“I love you. I love you, too.”

His muffle sobs are now audible. Even the patients and visitors on the two rooms beside Shoyo's could hear it. They're wondering if why a lonely wolf is howling in a broad daylight– or was it the wolf waiting as always for the sun to rise and stay longer, even though it's winter?

He's howling, if that's what they think it is, calling for an answer. Calling for his mate, his partner, or simply another. Wishing for the night to go in a fast pace in able yo have his whole time spent with the sun. To bathe under its grace, to dance with its humid lullabies, and to laugh with its heat. But the sun only rises for few minutes in winter and sets too soon.

Too soon even for the sun to hear the stories of the wolf who had called. Too soon for the sun not to hear how lonely was the wolf.

“I'll shed my skin to bring you back to your life. I'll give you my time for you to spend it to all that you had lost. My breaths would be yours, so you have not to gasps for air when you cry.” Kei felt Shoyo's finger tapped his forehand. With wide eyes, he looked above him and saw Shoyo looking down with squinted eyes, and on his lips is plastered a weak smile.

His eyes were locked with his dim ones. He doesn't want to break it, even if his eyes sting due to crying. For now, he's not sure if he still has connection with him through their feelings. So, he'll connect with him through their eyes instead.

“I'll give you the last spark of hope in me, the warmth that I have today. All of my colors will be yours, in able for you to bring back the colors in your suddenly blank chapter. My hair will fall down one by one, so you will see how much I suffer each second of having none of your presence and sight around me.

“And lastly.” Kei smiled, yet he's not sure of what he's feeling. “I'll give you all of my memories. You can keep them to know how much you can hate me, for pushing you away, how much you loved me, then move on from me. But to also know that I love you, too. Yet no matter what angle I look at, you deserved no me.”

“This is a deal, a vow to seal from your cruel fated soulmate; from the guy who failed to save the last piece of hope in you.”

His eyes weakened, as he was the one to break the eye contact; biting his lips, bowing his head and looking on the damped hem of his shirt.

“If you kiss me, it means you love me. But if you embrace me, you're ready to let me go.”

He dared himself to look up and saw Shoyo beaming still. As if his chest was opened wide in a high land, his heart being eaten by vultures. It's painful, like a public execution for a sin you didn't commit, to see Shoyo smile at him as he shatters into pieces.

He heard no response, rather a squeeze on his hands. He, again, looked up to see what Shoyo is doing. Eyes grew blurry despite of having his thick lenses on. He sees Shoyo's distorted figure, smiling with tears falling like raindrops from his eyes. Flooding the room with their mixed feelings, longing, confusion; a love that was unfairly treated and fated.

“I.” Shoyo's voice was breathy and shaking. “I love you, Kei. I, I'm sorry for—” He hiccuped, the visualized imagery of his pain and relief dribbled down from his sunken eyes.

“I need to sleep for the meantime. I need to regenerate. And I need you not to wait.” His smile grew wider, raising his free hand to ruffle Kei's hair.

In one swift movement, the sleeves of his hospital pyjamas rolled down to his elbow, showing purple and blue bruises as big as his palms. There are cottons seen in his upper arms, visible due to how lose the fabric was to hug Shoyo's fragile and thin body. And with that action too, a bondage could be seen on his right shoulder.

Kei cannot think right even more. He had just lost his ability to process things. He's like a broken tape, repeating two phrases in his mind.

‘Did I broke him?’

‘He's broken.’

“Thanks for loving me,” Shoyo expressed. “But I need you to live without the remnants of the past. Live without the embrace of the yesterday.”

He gestured Kei to come closer. The younger does. As their faces get closer, Shoyo added one more thing.

“Live without the thought of me, the burden that the past's me had given you. Live without me, Kei.”

Kei focused on the pale lips of Shoyo, aiming for it while the space between them gets thinner. However, Shoyo pushed his grown bangs upward and kissed his forehead.

“Let us live the life we had lost yesterday. Let's be youthful forever, hopeful until death.”

The orange haired man gently smiled, while his chin rests over Kei's lemon colored hair. His slender fingers carefully caress Kei's flocks of fluffy hair, making him feel dizzy, sleepy; all of the exhaustion he felt on the past months was just now getting a toll and impact on him. His body is limping and he couldn't move; he's stuck in between Shoyo's arms.

His eyes are closing while his hearing gets unclear.

“You dislike yourself, don't you?” He has no energy to explain why if he says the other choice. Kei nodded as a response, earning a mere chuckle from the other party.

“That's why you're not fond of winter, because you dislike coldness, white, and kept looking for warm hugs without uttering anything. And at those points, you let your logic and pride control your emotion deprived emotions.”

“You're my winter and you will remain as one until we depart from this reality, this lifetime. I love it when you give me more time to talk and appreciate the moon– the other side of you, the one who shines despite of the darkness around.” Shoyo felt the body over him getting heavier as he speaks. He assumed that he's asleep. “I love you.”

The lemon boy had already lost consciousness, yet Shoyo kept on talking. As if he saved the last one not to hurt Tsukishima, for him to feel pain and relief afterwards, for the last time.

“And I,” he bites his lips to stop the sobs. Getting courage inside his chest, like taking water from a well.

“I'm sorry for loving you, Kei. I feel sorry. . . for being me.”

Kei lost consciousness, not realizing that Shoyo did both. He embraced and kissed him. But the embrace was longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you on the last part! I'm wondering how the two of them will end up, though. Ah, contentment, what a good feeling, good stage, good place. Wwwww


End file.
